10 Reasons Children Misbehave
Recently, two of my older kids have been quite challenging, causing me to get five more strands of gray hair! Boy, was I wrong to think it gets more manageable for a parent with older children. Physically maybe, but mentally watch out!
However, I didn't realize that when my children bother me, I need to pause, take a look at the situation, and analyze the cause of their misbehavior. As a parent of six, I know there are always reasons kids act out, and it's up to the parent to find out the cause. Here are the top 10 reasons I've found why children misbehave:
1. When Children Lack Ihsan
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of teaching our children ihsan. Ihsan means having excellence in worship. When a Muslim worships Allah SWT as if they see Him, although they cannot see Him, they undoubtedly believe that He is constantly watching over them.
If our children are taught this love for Allah SWT and that His presence is with us at all times, then it cuts out much of the monitoring that parents feel the need to do. When children have ihsan, they are aware that they are never alone, that they have two Angels writing down all their actions, and that God is always watching. This will remind them to stay away from common misbehavior, such as lying, sneaking, stealing, etc., over time.
2. When Children are Bored
Another significant factor in children misbehaving is boredom. I remember my mother saying to us often, "Idle hands is the devil's workshop" if you look at the kids who cause the most mischief, it's usually the ones who have too much time on their hands!
When kids are bored, they become troublesome and get up to no good. Parents mustn't entertain their children, but provide them with goals and tasks to accomplish, and I don't mean in the form of TV, phones, tablets, and computers only.
Children need to have their minds stimulated and to perform a task from start to finish. If they can do this for a greater good, even better! This could include volunteering their time to tutor a friend's child in Quran, volunteering time at the masjid, fixing or mending something broken, or making something from scratch for someone special. They need to feel a sense of accomplishment.
3. When Children Lack Hobbies and Goals
When my 12-year-old was acting up the other day, you know the mood swings and confusion of the tween years (sigh)—I sat her down and asked her about her hobbies. She had to think for a minute, but then mentioned three or four hobbies she would love to try.
Nowadays, children don't know their hobbies, so parents need to help them realize what they enjoy doing. I blame this a lot on children being too technology-driven, which obliterates deep thinking. When I was growing up, having hobbies was super important; it made you, you!
My daughter mentioned that she liked handicrafts (sewing, knitting, and crocheting), cooking, and reading. I thought to myself, "Did the first two have to be my least favorites?" but I didn't let that deter us. Instead, I took my daughter to a store to purchase an easy pattern, fabric, knitting needles, and wool.
I taught her what I knew, but then I found video tutorials to show her the rest. We also searched for easy baking recipes to try out. She now does this in her spare time or when she is feeling bored.
4. When Children Lack Structure and Routine
As a family, we relocate a lot! It's a tough life, but alhumdulillah it's also filled with new experiences. Unfortunately, when children get older, it becomes difficult for them to feel secure without structure or a routine, and they misbehave. However, no matter how much we move, I try to ensure that certain routines stay intact. I know how kids can get cranky and moody when they don't know what to expect next.
For those times, when maintaining structure and routine can't be achieved, you'll have to be extra patient with your children and realize that they may be feeling unsettled. Sometimes, children do not communicate their feelings in words, but by their misbehavior, so look out for those signs and see them for what they are - their insecurities!
5. When Children’s Needs are Neglected
Like everyone else, our kids have needs, but I am not talking about their physical needs alone. Sometimes we think that if our kids are well fed, well dressed, have nicely decorated rooms, every toy they can dream of, and the latest technology at their fingertips; they should be grateful and content. Well, our kids are not robots, but real people with emotions and feelings. We need to talk to them and see what's going on inside their hearts and minds. We need to listen to their stories and funny moments and keep asking questions about their well being.
Sometimes, when my seven-year-old is moody and challenging, I drop what I am doing and call her to sit on my lap. I hug her as long as she wants and allow her to stay until she's ready to leave; no words are exchanged. She will be fine for days after I do that. Some kids are more emotional than others and may not even realize what they need. Hugs are a fantastic way to help children feel more secure and loved. Also, don't be afraid to tell your kids, "I love you." They need to hear those words every single day—actually, many times a day! It is essential not to neglect a child's emotional needs in favor of their material wants.
6. When Children Don’t Feel Well
You know those bad days you have? Those days when your temper's short because you're upset, frustrated, or feeling tired and grumpy? Well, our kids have those bad days too. Maybe their best friend was nasty or teased them at school, or they scored poorly on a test. Perhaps they have a headache, feel achy, tired, or lethargic.
Children experience the same frustrations and fierce emotions that adults feel, so why do we hold them accountable to a higher standard when they are just human? Instead, work on teaching your children how to channel their bad feelings in a better way. I have used moments like these to teach my kids to make dhikr and wudhu, pray, meditate, do some exercise, or even take a warm shower to clear their heads.
7. When Children are Overstimulated or Overwhelmed
There have been days when my kids watch TV or use the computer more than usual. On those days, I notice a big difference in their behavior. They seem more lethargic, irritable, and aggressive. I usually feel the need to send them outside or to do some exercise. It might appear that letting our kids use screens for hours on end is a lifesaver. Still, it makes them unable to concentrate for long, behave more aggressively, show irritability, and become lethargic.
Our children can also get overwhelmed with school work, tests, our high expectations, and too many extracurricular activities. We think we're "enriching" our kids by sending them for extra tutoring or adding events to their already long day at school. We need to remember to let our children be kids and give them time to play and wind-down. Children who are tired, overstimulated, and overwhelmed misbehave a lot.
8. When Children Take and Don’t Give Much Back
We want our kids to have everything. We buy them most things they want, and we always aim to see them happy. Allah SWT rewards us for this, no doubt, but be careful of overindulging your kids and spoiling them too much. They need to learn to give and receive, or they can become selfish and self-absorbed, which causes misbehavior.
We have to teach our kids to give more charity, especially by their actions. We can encourage them to give more by:
Putting some of their pocket money regularly in the masjid donation box on Fridays.
Letting them help out the neighbor with their groceries.
Hold the door open for people at a store.
Pick up trash at their masjid or school.
Give their younger sibling something from their stuff to express care.
Children should learn to share and give from the things they love; it's Sunnah! And it will help them get less attached to the trinkets of this world. This is a precious lesson but sadly lacking in much of the upbringing today.
9. When Children Don’t Learn Responsibility
Our children are technically not little princes and princesses and need to share the day-to-day responsibility of running the household and picking up after themselves. I emphasize the need for kids to help out in the kitchen and yard by taking out the trash, doing a laundry load, washing the dishes, packing and sorting clothes, etc.
My kids help out a lot inside and outside our home, and I've noticed how it helps them learn responsibility. When children see how something operates, they learn to appreciate those things more. I always take my kids to the store to help me grocery shop, check prices, unpack and repack the groceries, etc. Keeping kids busy with responsibilities makes them feel good about life, happier inside, and less likely to misbehave.
10. When Children Imitate Bad Behavior
Sometimes we wonder, where do our children pick up bad behavior? Well, we need to take a hard look at our behavior as parents first. Then, we should look towards older siblings, friends, and extended family members. We should be aware of our children's environment at school and elsewhere. Our kids mimic what they see. So if you're prone to white lies, your kids will not distinguish the type of lie; they'll just lie. If you yell and argue a lot, so will they.
If you notice misbehavior that doesn't stem from your home, then take a look at who and what you allow your kids to be exposed to online and outside. If children mingle with people who have bad mannerisms or in environments that are less than ideal, you can expect them to adopt what they see, and you would have to take that into account.
Know who your kids are with and where they are going at all times, and if you notice misbehavior, it's easier to pinpoint the source. Then either change the situation or talk to your kids about what's happening. Remember, with kids, what you permit, you promote!
Salam, I’m Zakeeya!
I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.
If you need discreet, tailored advice, you can book a one-on-one mentoring session with me to get private support.
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